It was 1973 and Andy Warhol was a big name in the art world, plus he had films shot by Paul Morrissy in NYC like trash, flesh, Heat, and Lonesome Cowboy. All of these films starred their “discovery” Joe Dellesandro. Joe still works today despite a history of drug and alcohol problems, run ins with the law and a few failed marriages.

So the usual suspects, Gasoline, Jimmy, and Ian show up at the Getty station where I worked. 

“Check this out” Jimmy shows me the newspaper ad for the film.
“Yeah, I know about it” 

“Lets go check it out”, Gas says.
“Ok, I’m down for it”, I tell them. 

We make plans to meet up later as it was mid afternoon. So I get off work, clean up, then head over to Jimmy’s.

“Feel like driving into the City?” Jimmy asks

“Not particularly.“ I reply

“What if we pay for the gas and tolls?” 

That should have tipped me off. I worked, Ian worked, Gas sold weed and Jimmy was a leech. The only job I recall Jimmy ever having was working the midnight shift at a doughnut factory. After visiting the place one night, I swore off doughnuts for a long time. This big machine pooped them out and Jimmy put them in boxes, the ones he didn’t eat, that is. So I say fill me up, pay the toll and the parking and we got a deal. 

Frankenstein had another horror movie as a co feature, but I don’t recall what it was . A certain turn of events prevented that. So we drive in and Gas presses me to park on the street. No. Gas, fuck that, I won’t have a van when we come out. I park in Port Authority as it wasn’t $50 like it is today. So we walk to The Liberty where it was playing and now I see it’s a fuckin 3D movie. 3D has always given me a two day headache. Plus I wear glasses and you have to put the 3D ones over them. Now I’m pissed. 

“I wish you guys told me about this 3D shit!” I snarl at them. 

“Too late.“ Gas chuckles

“How about I just leave you assholes here?” 

“Don’t do that, I have some really good weed”

“Cool, and I intend to smoke all of it”

You could smoke in the movie theaters back then, also drink. Some guys would pick up a hooker and get blown in the back rows. Anything went back then. So we find four seats and settle in. I put the 3D glasses over mine.
 Udo Keir plays Doctor Frankenstein this time around. Monique Van Vooren is The Baroness ,his sister/wife. They have two creepy kids, a boy and a girl who like to cut things up. Joe is Nicholas, a peasant with a Brooklyn accent. There is the required creepy servant, Otto , plus a maid. The good Doctor has built a female creature with some really narly stitchwork. 

“Gas, light that joint because I just know this is going to suck.” We pass it around, but some other want in. “Fuck off, I growl at them. The Doctor needs a head for his male creature. He wants to mate the monsters. Joe takes his obviously gay friend ,Sacha, to a whorehouse. They are followed by Doc and Otto who have what amounts to a big pair of hedge clippers. 

So being that this film was co directed or something by Antonio Margarheti, I was hoping for some hot, Euro sluts in the whore house. No, what we get are some fat, sweaty whores that even Al Goldstein wouldn’t touch. One starts screaming when a small lizard jumps on her. Doc and Otto think it’s screams of pleasure. Sacha throws the lizard out the door. Doc and Otto think he’s the stud. When he leaves, because obviously his interests aren’t fat chics, The twosome follow him. They cut off his head with the shears as his headless corpse over acts. 

“More weed, fucker, “ I tell Gas who lights another joint. So far the 3D has been bats around your head and Doc dangling guts in your face. Yeah, I’m milking the weed thing big time. Joe is worried about his friend vanishing. He inquires at the castle. They hire him as a “handy” man, He spends most of his day working on the Baroness’s plumbing. In a key scene, Doc fucks the she thing in an open wound and yells something to the effect of, “To understand life, you have to fuck death in the gall bladder”.

Ok, now I’m thinking this is a comedy. I make a few loud comments that draws some chuckles and a couple of ‘shut the fuck ups”. Doc tries to get his creatures to fuck, not going to happen. Gas and I look at each other and crack up. Otto guts the maid over a grating for more 3D bowels in your face. The Baroness lures the male creature to her bed. She tells him to hug her and he does that, crushing her to death. Doc strangles Otto after they hang up Joe by the wrists for asking too many Brooklyn accented questions. 

The creature cuts off Doc’s hand for some 3D blood spurting in your face. Then he rams a pike though Doc’s back and it comes out of his chest with his heart stuck on it. Doc gives a lengthy speech for what seems an hour before keeling over. The creature rips open it’s stitches for an explosion of 3D guts. It ends with the creepy kids picking up knives and closing in on Joe.

“Hope the next movie is better than this one” I say to Ian.

Ian gives me a weird look and says “ A lotta black people in here. “

“No shit, why the fu…” then I look at his eyes.

“Did you fuckers do blotter before I picked you up?” 

“Why do you think that we wanted you to drive.“ Jimmy says.

“You fat motherfucker, look at him, he’s tripping his tits off!”

“So what?” Gas says.
“He’s getting stupid and paranoid, that’s what. I say we take off before he starts any shit. “

Gas looks Ian in the eyes. ”Your right, he’s toasted.“

“Lets get out of here. Ian, don’t say anything to anybody. “

Ian gives me a frightened nod. I lead the way out wondering what movie I didn’t see and wondering if I can get the Three Acid Stooges back to the van without getting in trouble. I never did acid, heard too many horror stories. Plus, as I said before, other than weed, my body wasn’t drug friendly. As I drive out of port authority, these guys are peaking. 

“Lets go on a wombat “ Gas suggests. A “wombat” is a mindless drive to nowhere, we cruise around, smoke some weed and listen to tunes. So being that they did pay for gas, I was down for it. So we are driving on route whatever the fuck in Oakland, New Jersey. We pass a Nathan’s.

“ Lets get some food, “ Jimmy says

“Yeah, good idea as I have the munchies. So obviously I’m the one who has to go in. I take up a collection, $9.45. I’m really high as I go in. I order some burgers, dogs and fries, the tab came to exactly $9.45, go figure as I never added it up when I ordered it. Now I bring the greasy feast back to the van. Tubs of fries line up my dashboard. Everyone grabs something. 

“I can’t eat this ‘ Ian says holding up a burger that he just took a bite out of. 

“What’s wrong with it?” I ask, but not really giving a shit

“It has a face and it’s staring at me”.

Another reason I never did acid. “Then throw it out or finish it! “ I growl at him as now I’m getting pissed off. He throws it out.

“Next time open the window , you fuckin moron. “

Now I have a splattered mess on my window, I go off. 

“Clean that shit up, and get the rest of this shitty food the fuck out of my van. “

Yeah, I had enough for the night. After they cleaned up the mess, they sat there like scolded children. I blasted Jethro Tull’s aqualung all the way home. 

I revisted Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein again. It wasn’t as bad as I remembered it. They did another film, Andy Warhol’s Dracula with Udo as the Count and Joe returning for another tourdeforce performance. I saw that film with a bunch of drunks from the bar I hung out in. I don’t remember much except that The Count needed blood from virgins. “Wergins” he called them. If he drank the blood of non virgins, he’d puke it up. He said something to the effect of “These whores are killing me!”

You can’t make movies like these anymore.

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